This Space is Blank
I have no title for today's blog because I think it is just going to be a mish mash of stuff. I guess I could have called is "mish mash." But I didn't.
First, a correction. In the blog about my Kidney Stone I wrote that stones above .5 mm. were considered too large and needed to be removed. Ummm, yeah, no, not really. That should be .5 cm. or 5 mm. I still haven't heard back about my CT scan so we are still waiting to find out if it has grown.
Dave's birthday is approaching. He will be turning 38 (and finally catching up with me!) on October 14th. Dave is a bit bitter about his birth date. You see, until he met me the only person he knew with his birthday was, well, him. But once he married into my family the world changed.
My sister was born on October 14th. My Uncle Bill was born on October 14th. My sister's-bro-in law was born on October 14th. And, just today, someone new was discovered. Dave was walking into Betsy's school to pick her up for the day when the new middle school teacher stopped him. Apparently word had gotten out about the 10/14 epidemic. Sam (the teacher) let Dave know he was also part of this "special" group.
Personally, I think Dave's lucky. I haven't found many people with a July 6th birthday, and certainly no one who is a relative or friend or someone I see on a regular basis.
This year Dave will be celebrating alone as my sister will still be on her way home from her family vacation to Maryland, and my parents will actually be in Maryland on that day. I hope he enjoys his day of solo celebration. I would tell you what I bought him for this birthday, but with my luck this will be the day he actually reads my blog and it would spoil the surprise!
I am contemplating driving my electric scooter (yes I own one of those) to Target this evening. Our housing development is right next door to a strip mall with a Super Target, Michael's Crafts, and Petsmart. It used to have a Best Buy, but alas, it closed down. I am not sure what they are going to put in its place. Needless to say it is a dangerous strip mall.
Although I can't drive my car, it is not too far of a trip on the electric scooter. It is the one way I can go out and do shopping on my own without having to rely on anyone. The only problem is that I have to be careful about how much I buy as I need to be able to transport everything home. I want to get some special things for Dave's birthday, and I also just kinda want to wander around a store by myself.
We will see if I can gather enough energy to make this event possible.
So that is my mish mash for the day. Betsy is coming inside after playing and dinner is almost ready. Nummies in the Tummies!
One last thing. Jacob, if by some off chance you read this post, I am sorry I did not call you today. I am not a good patient and at our next session I promise to give you ten entire minutes of complete silence where I comply with your every whim. Well, make that five minutes. You can't expect me to perform miracles, can you Jacob?
TTFN (yes, I really did type that)
Diane.
Friday, October 12, 2012
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
How Does It Feel?
Like A Rolling Stone...
It looks like we are having a week of medical posts. Although that is my life so I guess it is the theme of my blog. I went to the urologist on Tuesday to produce the requisite urine sample for him to send off so that it could once again come back with the same report we have received the other five times.
I had already decided that I was pulling out the big guns. Before we could get far into the conversation I "delicately hinted" that perhaps it was time to involve Infectious Disease. Praise the Lord! The doctor agreed! Although maybe he was looking for an excuse to get rid of me...
As of today I am in the process of getting my ID doctors involved. They saved my life once, certainly they can fix a measly little uber hateful UTI.
Since I won the ID doctor thing so easily I should have known more would come. My urologist asked me if I had ever had a scan done on my kidneys. I responded in the negative and my husband agreed. Certainly I would have remembered that, right?
Not so much. The doctor pulled up my records from when I had been in the hospital last year for my sepsis. He clicked and he clacked and he had his "Eureka!" moment. Apparently while I was fast "asleep" and on the ventilator the doctors did indeed scan my kidneys with a CT. I had been in kidney failure, so this kind of made sense. Dave said he knew nothing about it. The results of the CT showed that I had a 1.2 cm kidney stone in my right kidney.
Huh? What? Don't you think they should have mentioned this at some point????
To put this in perspective I have done a little research. Anything above .5 mm is considered as definitely needing removal. Mine is more than twice that size! Also, that scan was over a year ago, it's possible mine has grown even more.
The urologist was now on a role. He further went on to say that a stone in my Kidney could be harboring the bacteria that is giving me the UTI's. It is possible that the antibiotics I have been on have killed the bacteria in my bladder, but were not powerful enough to kill it off the stone up in my Kidney. So, once I stopped the antibiotic the stone immediately reseeded my bladder with bacteria, and there I was infected again.
Now, at this point in time this is just a theory. After the urologist, I went and had a new CT done, along with an x-ray (still waiting for results). But I am getting the feeling that the sucker is going to need to go. If it ever travels and blocks my ureter, I am screwed. Plus, my Kidney's, although healthy, are delicate these days. A stone does not help.
Again, I have had another first. I am losing my virginity a lot these days! I now have had my first Kidney stone, and it's a nice large one. Yippee for me. (please note sarcasm)
Now there will be more appts. with the urologist to figure out the stone situation, and appts. with the ID to figure out the infection decision. If they decide they are related then I will either be having something snaked up into my Kidney to smash the stone and remove it, or some kind of treatment that uses waves through your skin to destroy it (not sure how that one works).
Let's think back to my anger/behavior post. I have a right to feel pissed, sad, pissed some more, frustrated, and ready to Gallagher the produce department of my grocery store. But, I will not. Instead I will continue to drink water like there is no tomorrow, silently scream every time I pee, and put my head on my desk when I try to figure out how to schedule all the doctor appointments without making me pass out due to total exhaustion.
On the bright side, we all got vaccinated for FLU today. Trust me, if you have not been vaccinated, GO GET YOUR SHOT! You do NOT want to be the one without a shot if the next pandemic occurs. Not that the shot will necessarily protect against that, but at least it gives you a fighting chance. :-)
To close off this particularly boringish blog, I am sorry, but it is kind of boring tonight. I will conclude with this pithy statement:
Hmmm...never mind, I actually don't have one! Best wishes to you all my chicos and chicas!
Your blogger, Diane.
It looks like we are having a week of medical posts. Although that is my life so I guess it is the theme of my blog. I went to the urologist on Tuesday to produce the requisite urine sample for him to send off so that it could once again come back with the same report we have received the other five times.
I had already decided that I was pulling out the big guns. Before we could get far into the conversation I "delicately hinted" that perhaps it was time to involve Infectious Disease. Praise the Lord! The doctor agreed! Although maybe he was looking for an excuse to get rid of me...
As of today I am in the process of getting my ID doctors involved. They saved my life once, certainly they can fix a measly little uber hateful UTI.
Since I won the ID doctor thing so easily I should have known more would come. My urologist asked me if I had ever had a scan done on my kidneys. I responded in the negative and my husband agreed. Certainly I would have remembered that, right?
Not so much. The doctor pulled up my records from when I had been in the hospital last year for my sepsis. He clicked and he clacked and he had his "Eureka!" moment. Apparently while I was fast "asleep" and on the ventilator the doctors did indeed scan my kidneys with a CT. I had been in kidney failure, so this kind of made sense. Dave said he knew nothing about it. The results of the CT showed that I had a 1.2 cm kidney stone in my right kidney.
Huh? What? Don't you think they should have mentioned this at some point????
To put this in perspective I have done a little research. Anything above .5 mm is considered as definitely needing removal. Mine is more than twice that size! Also, that scan was over a year ago, it's possible mine has grown even more.
The urologist was now on a role. He further went on to say that a stone in my Kidney could be harboring the bacteria that is giving me the UTI's. It is possible that the antibiotics I have been on have killed the bacteria in my bladder, but were not powerful enough to kill it off the stone up in my Kidney. So, once I stopped the antibiotic the stone immediately reseeded my bladder with bacteria, and there I was infected again.
Now, at this point in time this is just a theory. After the urologist, I went and had a new CT done, along with an x-ray (still waiting for results). But I am getting the feeling that the sucker is going to need to go. If it ever travels and blocks my ureter, I am screwed. Plus, my Kidney's, although healthy, are delicate these days. A stone does not help.
Again, I have had another first. I am losing my virginity a lot these days! I now have had my first Kidney stone, and it's a nice large one. Yippee for me. (please note sarcasm)
Now there will be more appts. with the urologist to figure out the stone situation, and appts. with the ID to figure out the infection decision. If they decide they are related then I will either be having something snaked up into my Kidney to smash the stone and remove it, or some kind of treatment that uses waves through your skin to destroy it (not sure how that one works).
Let's think back to my anger/behavior post. I have a right to feel pissed, sad, pissed some more, frustrated, and ready to Gallagher the produce department of my grocery store. But, I will not. Instead I will continue to drink water like there is no tomorrow, silently scream every time I pee, and put my head on my desk when I try to figure out how to schedule all the doctor appointments without making me pass out due to total exhaustion.
On the bright side, we all got vaccinated for FLU today. Trust me, if you have not been vaccinated, GO GET YOUR SHOT! You do NOT want to be the one without a shot if the next pandemic occurs. Not that the shot will necessarily protect against that, but at least it gives you a fighting chance. :-)
To close off this particularly boringish blog, I am sorry, but it is kind of boring tonight. I will conclude with this pithy statement:
Hmmm...never mind, I actually don't have one! Best wishes to you all my chicos and chicas!
Your blogger, Diane.
Monday, October 8, 2012
My First Time....
My First Nosebleed
Yes, it is true. I have never had a nosebleed before in my life till last night. I was having a dandy evening sitting at my laptop watching Mad Men on Netflix. I am only on the 5th episode of Season 1 and still trying to decide if I want to commit. I like the show but I am not sure I can take all the drinking and smoking and men wearing hats. I like the opening theme and I hum it in my head all day. It really isn't much of a tune, but it has become stuck.
So, I am minding my own business when I think I feel moisture near my upper lip. I reach up with a finger to wipe it off, not really processing what it could be and then I look down at my hand. My entire finger is covered in blood!
I screamed for Dave while taking a swab at my nose with my other hand (I know, dumb move) and then I saw a napkin hiding on the corner of my desk. I immediately picked it up and started wiping. The blood bath was horrific.
Dave came rushing in and I started screaming about looking up on the Internet on what to do for a nosebleed. (There was a lot of hysterical screaming happening)He said to put my head back and I said that I knew that was a no-no because you would have blood go down your throat and swallow it. (How do I know these things? I used to teach kids!)
Then I told Dave to go get napkins, tissues, paper towels, anything. He came back with reinforcement paper product while he read to me the Internet findings. I was supposed to sit up straight, lean slightly forward and pinch my nose together for at least five minutes or until the bleeding had stopped.
For those of you wondering why I didn't go rushing for tissues, etc... remember that I am sitting in my den in my wheelchair with bloody hands and no way to move. As I sit there pinching my nose and feeling incredibly grossed out by the entire event I realize that a more pressing need has developed.
I have to pee.
For some reason my body has decided to only give me about ten seconds from the time it tells me I have to pee before just trying to take over itself. I have actually read that this can happen to people in wheelchairs. Therefore I need to be extra vigilant and always head to the bathroom the minute my brain sends out the signal.
But what do you do when you are supposed to be pinching your nose for five minutes? I waited. I waited some more. Then I knew I could not wait anymore. In a panicked voice I said to Dave, "I have to PEEEEE!" Thank God for Dave. He grabbed the wheelchair and navigated through the narrow doorway only hitting the dresser once, then through the foyer/hall and past the kitchen into our bedroom. I concentrated on trying to keep my leg/stumpie from becoming victims of reckless driving. He took the steep turn into our bathroom and I slammed on the brakes (and let go of my nose!) as we reached the target.
We will suffice to say that I made it. But just. While in the bathroom I got rid of the blood on my hands and determined that my nose was no longer a river of red. I had read that I wasn't supposed to blow or pick it (yes, they actually say that!) for 24 hours. I looked in the mirror expecting to see a nose that had been through WWIII, but it looked suspiciously normal. I held up a small mirror and tried to look up my nostril. I saw a tiny bit of red, but nothing grotesque or abnormal.
Under my own steam, now that I had clean hands, I rolled back into the den and quickly searched for "Causes of Nosebleeds." I really try hard not to be a hypochondriac, but when you are me and so many strange things go wrong all the time, it is hard not to be looking for the hammer that is going to come a 'whackin. Although I latched on to some of the rare and exotic causes of nosebleeds I think we have determined that it was just from dry air.
Tonight I bought some saline spray to help "moisturize" my nose. It actually felt pretty good.
I have no idea how I came to be 38 without ever having a nosebleed. But boy was it traumatic. How can so much blood come from such a small area??
I am no longer a nosebleed virgin. Trust me, in this case I would have worn the promise ring forever!
Yes, it is true. I have never had a nosebleed before in my life till last night. I was having a dandy evening sitting at my laptop watching Mad Men on Netflix. I am only on the 5th episode of Season 1 and still trying to decide if I want to commit. I like the show but I am not sure I can take all the drinking and smoking and men wearing hats. I like the opening theme and I hum it in my head all day. It really isn't much of a tune, but it has become stuck.
So, I am minding my own business when I think I feel moisture near my upper lip. I reach up with a finger to wipe it off, not really processing what it could be and then I look down at my hand. My entire finger is covered in blood!
I screamed for Dave while taking a swab at my nose with my other hand (I know, dumb move) and then I saw a napkin hiding on the corner of my desk. I immediately picked it up and started wiping. The blood bath was horrific.
Dave came rushing in and I started screaming about looking up on the Internet on what to do for a nosebleed. (There was a lot of hysterical screaming happening)He said to put my head back and I said that I knew that was a no-no because you would have blood go down your throat and swallow it. (How do I know these things? I used to teach kids!)
Then I told Dave to go get napkins, tissues, paper towels, anything. He came back with reinforcement paper product while he read to me the Internet findings. I was supposed to sit up straight, lean slightly forward and pinch my nose together for at least five minutes or until the bleeding had stopped.
For those of you wondering why I didn't go rushing for tissues, etc... remember that I am sitting in my den in my wheelchair with bloody hands and no way to move. As I sit there pinching my nose and feeling incredibly grossed out by the entire event I realize that a more pressing need has developed.
I have to pee.
For some reason my body has decided to only give me about ten seconds from the time it tells me I have to pee before just trying to take over itself. I have actually read that this can happen to people in wheelchairs. Therefore I need to be extra vigilant and always head to the bathroom the minute my brain sends out the signal.
But what do you do when you are supposed to be pinching your nose for five minutes? I waited. I waited some more. Then I knew I could not wait anymore. In a panicked voice I said to Dave, "I have to PEEEEE!" Thank God for Dave. He grabbed the wheelchair and navigated through the narrow doorway only hitting the dresser once, then through the foyer/hall and past the kitchen into our bedroom. I concentrated on trying to keep my leg/stumpie from becoming victims of reckless driving. He took the steep turn into our bathroom and I slammed on the brakes (and let go of my nose!) as we reached the target.
We will suffice to say that I made it. But just. While in the bathroom I got rid of the blood on my hands and determined that my nose was no longer a river of red. I had read that I wasn't supposed to blow or pick it (yes, they actually say that!) for 24 hours. I looked in the mirror expecting to see a nose that had been through WWIII, but it looked suspiciously normal. I held up a small mirror and tried to look up my nostril. I saw a tiny bit of red, but nothing grotesque or abnormal.
Under my own steam, now that I had clean hands, I rolled back into the den and quickly searched for "Causes of Nosebleeds." I really try hard not to be a hypochondriac, but when you are me and so many strange things go wrong all the time, it is hard not to be looking for the hammer that is going to come a 'whackin. Although I latched on to some of the rare and exotic causes of nosebleeds I think we have determined that it was just from dry air.
Tonight I bought some saline spray to help "moisturize" my nose. It actually felt pretty good.
I have no idea how I came to be 38 without ever having a nosebleed. But boy was it traumatic. How can so much blood come from such a small area??
I am no longer a nosebleed virgin. Trust me, in this case I would have worn the promise ring forever!
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Angry Behavior
What comes after anger?
I see a psychologist. That probably won't really surprise anyone. I haven't been seeing him that long, just since July. It would have been a lot more healthy if I had started last year, but I enjoy living in denial. He has told me that I have a right to my feelings. My feelings can't be argued with, they can't be denied. I can't be told that I can't feel a certain way. But there are always two sides. You have a right to your feelings, but not to your behavior.
It is okay if I am pissed off at the world because my hands are so swollen that I can't make a fist. I have a right to be pissed. It is not okay to call my husband an idiot because he forgot to fill up the water box the night before, just because I am in pain. See, bad behavior. Have I truly called my husband an idiot for something so petty? Yes, is my shaming answer.
Am I sorry for it? Of course. A million times sorry. And I tell him so. I have worked hard to minimize my angry behaviors.
But then there are times when you are angry at the world. And then I wonder....what comes after anger? Is it total despair? I feel despair as I write to you tonight. I am wrapped up in a Mickie and Minnie plush throw, a nice cold bottle of water at my side, and my lap top pulled up to my oversized stomach. I don't know why the despair has come into my brain, and I wish it would go away.
Exhaustion fills my body when it comes to angry. I am so damn tired of being angry. This anger isn't just about me and my problems, it is about so much more. It is about friends dying. Mother's dying. People dealing with horrible infections. Quad amputees. Child abuse. Learning disabilities. Genocide. Yes! Genocide! All of these things make me so made and angry at this world.
My religious training is supposed to kick in right about now with the usual platitudes. But although I believe, I am still angry. I still despair.
Sometimes I wonder what it is like to live in a world where you do not wake up every day in pain and exhausted. What does it feel like not to swallow a pharmacy twice a day, or take your temperature every four hours?
I am not writing this looking for sympathy. I am writing it because they are my feelings, and as I said, my feelings are valid. My behavior (the way I am dealing currently with my feelings) is to blog. I hope by blogging it all out I will have a somewhat cathartic experience and perhaps no longer feel like I am headed toward despair.
I can pretty much guarantee that I will be right as rain tomorrow (or well, at least not in a "mood"). But tonight I wallow. I also simmer with slight rage. And tiredness. Goodnight world!
Diane.
I see a psychologist. That probably won't really surprise anyone. I haven't been seeing him that long, just since July. It would have been a lot more healthy if I had started last year, but I enjoy living in denial. He has told me that I have a right to my feelings. My feelings can't be argued with, they can't be denied. I can't be told that I can't feel a certain way. But there are always two sides. You have a right to your feelings, but not to your behavior.
It is okay if I am pissed off at the world because my hands are so swollen that I can't make a fist. I have a right to be pissed. It is not okay to call my husband an idiot because he forgot to fill up the water box the night before, just because I am in pain. See, bad behavior. Have I truly called my husband an idiot for something so petty? Yes, is my shaming answer.
Am I sorry for it? Of course. A million times sorry. And I tell him so. I have worked hard to minimize my angry behaviors.
But then there are times when you are angry at the world. And then I wonder....what comes after anger? Is it total despair? I feel despair as I write to you tonight. I am wrapped up in a Mickie and Minnie plush throw, a nice cold bottle of water at my side, and my lap top pulled up to my oversized stomach. I don't know why the despair has come into my brain, and I wish it would go away.
Exhaustion fills my body when it comes to angry. I am so damn tired of being angry. This anger isn't just about me and my problems, it is about so much more. It is about friends dying. Mother's dying. People dealing with horrible infections. Quad amputees. Child abuse. Learning disabilities. Genocide. Yes! Genocide! All of these things make me so made and angry at this world.
My religious training is supposed to kick in right about now with the usual platitudes. But although I believe, I am still angry. I still despair.
Sometimes I wonder what it is like to live in a world where you do not wake up every day in pain and exhausted. What does it feel like not to swallow a pharmacy twice a day, or take your temperature every four hours?
I am not writing this looking for sympathy. I am writing it because they are my feelings, and as I said, my feelings are valid. My behavior (the way I am dealing currently with my feelings) is to blog. I hope by blogging it all out I will have a somewhat cathartic experience and perhaps no longer feel like I am headed toward despair.
I can pretty much guarantee that I will be right as rain tomorrow (or well, at least not in a "mood"). But tonight I wallow. I also simmer with slight rage. And tiredness. Goodnight world!
Diane.
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