Angry Behavior

What comes after anger?

I see a psychologist. That probably won't really surprise anyone. I haven't been seeing him that long, just since July. It would have been a lot more healthy if I had started last year, but I enjoy living in denial. He has told me that I have a right to my feelings. My feelings can't be argued with, they can't be denied. I can't be told that I can't feel a certain way. But there are always two sides. You have a right to your feelings, but not to your behavior.

It is okay if I am pissed off at the world because my hands are so swollen that I can't make a fist. I have a right to be pissed. It is not okay to call my husband an idiot because he forgot to fill up the water box the night before, just because I am in pain. See, bad behavior. Have I truly called my husband an idiot for something so petty? Yes, is my shaming answer. 

Am I sorry for it? Of course. A million times sorry. And I tell him so. I have worked hard to minimize my angry behaviors.

But then there are times when you are angry at the world. And then I wonder....what comes after anger? Is it total despair? I feel despair as I write to you tonight. I am wrapped up in a Mickie and Minnie plush throw, a nice cold bottle of water at my side, and my lap top pulled up to my oversized stomach. I don't know why the despair has come into my brain, and I wish it would go away.

Exhaustion fills my body when it comes to angry. I am so damn tired of being angry. This anger isn't just about me and my problems, it is about so much more. It is about friends dying. Mother's dying. People dealing with horrible infections. Quad amputees. Child abuse. Learning disabilities. Genocide. Yes! Genocide! All of these things make me so made and angry at this world.

My religious training is supposed to kick in right about now with the usual platitudes. But although I believe, I am still angry. I still despair.

Sometimes I wonder what it is like to live in a world where you do not wake up every day in pain and exhausted. What does it feel like not to swallow a pharmacy twice a day, or take your temperature every four hours?

I am not writing this looking for sympathy. I am writing it because they are my feelings, and as I said, my feelings are valid. My behavior (the way I am dealing currently with my feelings) is to blog. I hope by blogging it all out I will have a somewhat cathartic experience and perhaps no longer feel like I am headed toward despair.

I can pretty much guarantee that I will be right as rain tomorrow (or well, at least not in a "mood"). But tonight I wallow. I also simmer with slight rage. And tiredness. Goodnight world!

Diane.